Two years ago, at the beginning of my sophomore year in college, I had a panic attack that lasted for days, although I didn’t know what to call it at the time. I thought it was just my nerves. It got so bad that when my mom came up to visit me, I didn’t want her to leave.
Last night, I didn’t quite have a panic attack, but it was definitely anxiety. I cried, and as usual, I turned to music to help me calm down. I couldn’t just play anything though; most of the songs I have on my phone remind me of something in some way and trigger feelings, which I definitely didn’t need more of.
I remembered I also had iHeartRadio on my phone, so I booted up the app. I quickly found Tove Lo Radio, which sounded like exactly what I needed. It was.
I think the third song that played was The Mother We Share by Chvrches. As soon as I heard the opening notes, a sense of relief flooded me. This was the very same song I listened to two years ago, when I had my panic attack and I happened to be reading Where She Went by Gayle Forman. Where She Went is the sequel to If I Stay, and it picks up where If I Stay left off – Mia Hall wakes up from her coma after the car accident and pretty much heads off to Julliard pretty much without a backward glance at her boyfriend, Adam Wilde.
As the book is told from Adam’s point of view, the reader is able to see how he felt when Mia’s accident happened, and how he copes with life in the aftermath. He fell into a deep spell of anxiety and depression, and I was able to relate to it because that’s exactly how I felt at the time I was reading it. His coping methods may have been a different story, but I wasn’t about to judge him for that.
Hearing “The Mother We Share” last night brought me back to the comfort I felt with Adam and reading about what he went through after Mia’s accident. He lifted me up when I was down two years ago, and he did it again last night.
If you read my other post, you’ll know that I recently became re-obsessed, if you will, with Disney’s 1998 version of The Parent Trap.
Since that last post, I’ve pretty much been playing my favorite song from the soundtrack through YouTube constantly. I’ve also found the movie clip that features the song.
Which brings me to what I am writing today. I’ve been able to play the song without a problem, but I have a bit of a hard time watching the video. It’s a trigger because of the innocence issue I talked about before.
When I’m listening to the song by itself, I don’t have a problem because I can think about any situation that fits the lyrics. When I’m watching the video, however, I can’t escape the mother-daughter dynamic in the context of the film. It’s too perfect.
When I first saw it after not having seen it in a long time, I was on the verge of tears. I can keep my emotions in check now after having seen it a handful of times, but it still stings a bit.
If there’s one thing Ed Sheeran is good for – besides being a generally amazing musician and human being, of course – it’s reminding me what I want in life. From what I’ve heard of his new album, Divide, I love it. But “Barcelona” really strikes a cord.
I’ve always enjoyed Spanish. In fact, it was my minor at one point, but due to circumstances that weren’t completely in my control, it unfortunately fell through.
Naturally, I was in a funk about it for awhile; I still felt that I could do it, even though it might be stressful. It was stressful while I was doing it, sure. But I didn’t give up because I love it, and I don’t give up on things I love easily. I was considering staying on after graduation to get the minor, but I have since decided not to.
Because “Barcelona” reminds me that Spanish is so much more than a minor. I can go to multiple countries where Spanish is what the majority of the population speaks. I’m definitely planning to go to Spain someday. The title of this post actually translates to “I will be in Spain”.
And I can use it for a lot of other things too. Lately, I’ve been scattering phrases in my writing, and I’ve even got some fanfic in the works where the characters are going to go to Spain.
Notice I didn’t say one thing about teaching it. There’s a huge misconception that when someone studies a language – including English, which happens to be my major – they want to be a teacher. Teaching is not at the top of my dream job list. It doesn’t even make the list at all.
That’s not to say I’m completely opposed to teaching; I’ve had some amazing teachers and professors throughout my academic career. It’s just not necessarily what I see myself doing. There are lots of other things people can do with languages.
So, if Ed Sheeran ends up reading this someday, I just want to say thanks. Thanks for giving me perspective and helping me realize that graduating without a Spanish minor isn’t the end of the world. I don’t have to stop learning it, and I won’t. I really appreciate it.
While on vacation, I got to see Rascal Flatts at the xfinity Center in Mansfield, Massachusetts. I had no idea they’ve been around for 16 years. That’s some longevity.
But first up was Kelsea Ballerini, whom I knew from watching the Greatest Hits music special on ABC back in June. The show covered all the greatest hits from the 1980s to today, performed by the original artists as well as today’s artists. I liked it because I knew a lot of the songs. I grew up on old music.
But I digress. As far as performing goes, Ballerini isn’t half bad. I liked her songs. During her second song, she walked up and down the aisles through the crowd, and I was close enough to touch her. I didn’t; I didn’t want to be creepy or anything.
Next up was the main act: Rascal Flatts. I wasn’t familiar with all of their songs, but I enjoyed the ones I knew. They played “What Hurts the Most” which is actually a really sad song when you listen to the lyrics, but I like it nonetheless. Of course they played “Life is a Highway,” the one song I wanted to hear. What can I say? It’s a classic.
The song I didn’t expect to hear was “God Bless the Broken Road”. I knew the song and I like it, but I didn’t realize they were behind it. I hadn’t heard it in a long time, but I found myself singing along.
The visuals at the concert were amazing. There were lots of lights in different colors and projection patterns. During one of the songs – I don’t remember which one – they even had photos of the guys growing up from a personal photo album. That was really cool.
To top it all off, the guys in Rascal Flatts are hilarious. Throughout the show, they were cracking jokes sometimes at their own expense.
If you ever get the chance to see them, don’t pass it up. It’s so worth it.
1998. I was four years old. Disney’s remake of The Parent Trap starring Lindsay Lohan came out. And I was obsessed with it.
My mom and I were reminiscing one day, and we happened to talk about the movie. Which brought up my favorite scene and my favorite song.
I wanted to be Lindsay Lohan. Specifically, I wanted to be Hallie. Trade places with my long-lost twin sister, hang out with my mom at one of her photo shoots and photo bomb the bride? Um, YES PLEASE!
The song in the photo shoot scene is “Never Let You Go” by Jakaranda. Lately, I’ve been listening to it nonstop. I tried to download it, but it’s not on iTunes, so I have to play it through YouTube. It’s annoying.
Even though I love the song now as much as I did back then, it’s bittersweet. It reminds me of the innocence I once had. I had a good relationship with my mom. I was happy.
As I’ve gotten older, my relationship with my mom – both my parents for that matter – has been strained. We don’t see eye to eye, and we have trouble communicating in general.
How do I reclaim my innocence? Is it even possible? I want it to be. I really want it to be.
Jamie Fraser is an eighteenth-century Highlander, an ex-Jacobite traitor, and a reluctant in the American Revolution. His wife, Claire Randall Fraser, is a surgeon – from the twentieth century. What she knows of the future compels him to fight. What she doesn’t know may kill them both.
With one foot in America and one foot in Scotland, Jamie and Claire’s adventure spans the Revolution, from sea battles to print shops, as their paths cross with historical figures from Benjamin Franklin to Benedict Arnold.
Meanwhile, in the relative safety of the twentieth century, their daughter Brianna and her husband experience the unfolding drama of the Revolutionary War through Claire’s letters. But the letters can’t warn them of the threat that’s rising out of the past to overshadow their family.
Over spring break, I went to see Beauty and the Beast. It was actually two times in the making; I thought I had plans to see it opening weekend, but they fell through. Needless to say, I was disappointed.
Being married to John was different, to say the least. We had friendship, but even that seemed to be strained under the circumstances. I just couldn’t believe that Jamie was dead. It wasn’t that I was in denial; I didn’t know what to think.
The morning was bright, sunlight streaming in through the bedroom windows upstairs. John was still sleeping, so I got up quietly and went down to make myself some tea. I sat down at the table and tried to make sense of everything that had happened. Ian was dead, that much I could believe. As soon as I saw him, I knew he wouldn’t last much longer. But now … No, Jamie wasn’t dead. I didn’t know how I knew, I just did. However, I’d play along until I had some sort of proof.
John came down fully dressed a while later and greeted me cordially.
“Going somewhere?” I inquired.
“Not particularly, but I like to be prepared. Anything could happen, what with the ‘revolution’ going on and all.”
As soon as he spoke the last word, there was a knock at the front door. One of the servants went open it.
“Is Lord Grey in? I’m a friend of his,” a voice came from the door. I heard heavy footsteps coming down the hall. And he was standing there in front of us.
“Ja-” Grey stammered. “I thought you were -”
“Ye thought I was dead?” Jamie finished bluntly. “Haha, well, April Fool’s mis putas!”
I was shocked, but not surprised. I knew he’d be alright. Finding the energy to move, time seemed to slow down as I ran toward him, jumping in his arms. He caught me and we kissed fiercely.
“Mis putas?” I whispered in his ear.
“Roughly ‘my bitches’ in Spanish.”
I pulled back and looked at him quizzically.
“I kid, Sassenach, I kid.” He set me down and turned his attention to Grey, while I turned my attention to Jenny, whom I hadn’t noticed there before.
“Claire,” she began.
“It’s alright, Jenny, it’s alright,” I said, pulling her into a hug.
“I didn’t mean -” she tried again.
“I know. I forgive you.”
I said goodbye to John, left some instructions as to the post-surgery care of his nephew, Henry, and Jamie, Jenny, and I took our leave of the Grey residence, headed toward Fraser’s Ridge.